Convey your values, not your fears

Your reaction to your child’s anxiety is one important response to be aware of, but also equally as important, is your reaction to the situation. Are you worried he or she might not make the team? Worried they might not get a good grade? Worried he or she may not have enough friends? Worried he or she might not get into a good college?  Worried he or she might not get enough sleep? If you are feeling anxious about the situation, this will impact how respond to your child’s anxiety. 

And of course there will be times when you would feel anxious – of course! What parent wouldn't want to see their child make the team, be able to give a book report, or come home with a good report card? What parent wouldn't hope to see their child get into a good college or career? Our responses during these important milestones often reveal our greatest personal strengths and weaknesses. That said, it is almost always true, that when we respond from fear, it’s not the response that would be the most helpful. It is time consider control, anger management, pride, and of course, your own anxiety. 

You might find yourself being quick, short-tempered, impatient, or the opposite - too empathetic, too quick to jump in to solve problems or relieve stress. While each specific situation and child has it’s special circumstances and nuances, it is always important to remember, in the end, what is important is never the win or loss, the grade, the friend, the name of the college or job title, but about how they respond to the moment. Whether they are able to learn, grow, and continue to pursue.
 
What are your own beliefs, past experiences, or values about this situation that might be shaping your response?
 
What are your fears about this situation?

How will you handle an outcome that you are afraid of (e.g., your child getting a bad grade, getting in trouble at school, not winning a game, getting a bad SAT score, missing an important event)? 

Have you put a deadline on success/failure for this situation? If yes, must you agree with this deadline (given that the journey will continue regardless of this outcome)?
 
Has your belief and/or fear impacted your response to your child in this situation? 
 
What can you say is really what you want your child to learn from this experience and what do you think he/she will need to do to learn it? (define real “success”)

Are your expectations for the outcome realistic? age appropriate? appropriate (not masterful, just appropriate) for their level of training/practice? 

What are the things your child needs to work on to get to that learning?

What could you do to support their learning from this situation so that they may have future successes?
 
Would you choose to react differently or add anything to what you are currently doing?